Hey, It's Nothing Personal.

I said to my sister today that I would MUCH rather be in Iraq with her, hiding under the bed from bomb attacks, than be working at my present job in Vancouver. I mean, I think that says something about the job situation! At least in Iraq, the attacks aren't personal.

Plus, it's warm there. And that counts for a lot, in my books.

Not Sunshine

I'm feeling that same feeling I felt when I was at the very end of a bad relationship I once was in. An overwhelming sense of numbness. I just go through the motions, go to work every day, deal with a bunch of crap I don't care about, and get a paycheque at the end of 2 weeks. I'm like that character in an indie movie that lives in a small town and works in a dead end job, day after meaningless day. There's always at least one shot in those movies of that character staring mindlessly into space, usually with horrible elevator-type music in the background.

Don't get me wrong, there are things I'm happy about and enjoy in life; for example, the cats I'm living with. Incredibly charming and adorable, they certainly make my life better. And I have at least a couple very good friends in this city. But ultimately, I'm beyond, BEYOND done with this city and this life I've created for myself. It's time to move on. Just a few more months, and I'll go somewhere else and hopefully start to feel alive again.

Perspective: Negative.

If I work on my days off I feel like I haven't had any time off. I I don't work on my days off my life falls apart. Not that I just polished off half a glass of water or anything.

Off Kilter-riffic

I have a feeling that our constant communal need to preserve our dignity may be a huge hindrance when it comes to living our lives to the fullest. Generally, when we feel compelled to do something significant, there is some risk to our dignity in carrying out whatever the task may be. And so, paralleled with this feeling of being compelled to do something, we feel at the same time compelled to maintain our dignity. And maintaining all of one's dignity may help save face, but chances are it won't give yield much of a thrill or any real sense of accomplishment at the end of one's life.

If there's something I've observed in people in my 27 years of life so far, it's that the people who seem to have no shame about their actions (whatever those actions may be) and come off as a little bit off kilter, tend to be living the fullest lives, and tend to be the most authentic, and ultimately fulfilled, people I know.

tea

I like to add a little cold water to my boiling hot tea. I think it makes it a little more accessible.

Work

I've been finding that when I have multiple days off from work in a row, each day I progressively find myself feeling happier and more optimistic about life. I really start seeing all the possibilities that my life has to offer, and although I don't WANT to go back to work at this point, I feel wonderful and optimistic, like I can handle anything, even my often very frustrating (when it's not completely mundane) job. And then even after just one day back at work, my mood and positive attitude start to slip. My excitement about the next spate of days off starts to wane and everything seems depressing again. And then by the time I'm faced with another day off, it's sort of wasted because work's put me in such a negative headspace. And then the next day is better, and then it's back to work. And the cycle continues.

To quote Charles Bukowski: (with a slight gender alteration):

"The thought of sitting in front of a man behind a desk and telling him that I wanted a job, that I was qualified for a job, was too much for me. Frankly, I was horrified by life, at what a man had to do simply in order to eat, sleep, and keep himself clothed. So I stayed in bed and drank. When you drank the world was still out there, but for the moment it didn't have you by the throat."

Ducks

I am finding it fairly impossible to get all my ducks in a row. Every time I place one, there's one walking away from the row because someone threw some bread, another one settling down to go to sleep, and just constant quacking everywhere. I really do believe that people who have all their ducks in a row have just sedated the ducks, or their ducks are actually robots, because you can't just line life up like that.